Third week into psychiatry, and I think I'm getting used to it. haha.
Anyhow, just yesterday we had a range of psych topic sessions, and a consultant added some really hilarious psych-related jokes into his presentations. So I figured, "why not find them online and share them here?"
The first two were included in my consultant's powerpoint. The rest however were found incidentally on the net, which I found amusing and therefore worth sharing. Enjoy!
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed:
1. Do You Hear What I Hear? (Schizophrenia)
2. We Three Kings Disorientated are (Multiple personality disorder)
3. I Think I'll be Home for Christmas (Dementia)
4. Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me (Narcissistic personality disorder)
5. Deck the House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...... (Mania)
6. Santa Claus is Coming to Town to get Me (Paranoid)
7. Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire (Borderline personality disorder)
8. You better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why (Personality disorder)
9. Silent Night, Holy....ooh, look at that froggy - can I have chocolate? Why is France so far away? (Attention deficit disorder)
10. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells. (Obsessive compulsive disorder)
(Note: The joke above was first published in Marooned, a magazine produced by the Cromwell House of mental health facility in 2007. It was however deemed distasteful by a number of people, and they thus demanded the editors to remove the article. Personally I do not think it has any malicious intent whatsoever. Besides, the editorial board was made up of psychiatric patients and staff from the mental health facility.... so my point is, if they (ie: the patients) found the joke funny in the first place and decided to publish it in their mag, why stir things up? For more details and comments, click here)
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Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
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A doctor at a mental asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
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A psychologist is doing Rorschach testing on a patient. With each inkblot he asks the patient what he sees.
The replies follow this general theme: "Two people making love". "Two dogs mating". "Two women kissing." "A man masturbating." And so on...
Finally he blurts out, "Oh--That's disgusting! I can't even talk about that!"
The psychologist says, "It seems to me that you might be a little preoccupied with sex."
The patient replies, "What do you mean? They're your dirty pictures!"
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In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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A schizophrenic patient comes in to the psychiatrist's office with another schizophrenic friend. "My friend is psychotic lately, he thinks he is Jesus"
After a mental exam the psychiatrist happily concludes: "You are right, I congratulate you on your insight."
"I knew it," the patient replies. "He is not My Son!"
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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
Labels: Just for fun/Meme
