A few claimed I'm calm, cool and collected.
Many said I look serious - wearing my heart on my sleeves, indifferent in many aspects.
Occasionally I looked strained, but people reassured me that it's alright, so long as I do not go bonkers.
Almost everyone tells me I am smart and diligent.
And that I am nice to be with.
And so they say these are good traits in medicine.
Okay.
But is that all?
Is that all I am worth to you?
Simple and clean? Easy? Down right predictable?
How superficial.
It is said that human beings are complex creatures.
I am no exception....
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Reminiscing. Reflecting.
On how I have spent my last twenty years down the road.
On things which were once fulfilling to me.
On simple pleasures .
On fate.
How blissful I once was then...
Gone were the days when I found joy in pastimes.
Gone were the days when I learned with passion.
Gone were the days when I was enthusiastic, expressive.
Gone were the days when I used to be...myself.
Perhaps it is true that the idle mind is the devil's workshop.
I feel so blind. Lost. Confined to a dark corner, waiting...just waiting...
Just in case you (still) did not get the drift, I am currently in the midst of an identity crisis.
But I thought identity crisis only happens during the teen-phase?
Fine, call me a late-bloomer then...*sulks*
Looking back at what I have written in this entry makes me hate myself even further.
Who the hell am I now???
This is not who I was before I joined medical school.
Strange though it seems....perhaps I need change. Fresh air. It may help pull myself back together again....
What's so unusual about that? Everyone likes change.
But I actually like routines all along. Everything nicely arranged works for me. No hassles. No chaos. Ahh.....
*yawns*
How my perception has changed since I joined IMU.... *ahem*
All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl.
That is SO true....
How I fervently wished for something out of blue.....
Heck, academia alone is making me nuts already...
I NEED SOME EXCITEMENT PEOPLE!
Ironically, most people tend to relate me with WORK and BOOKS. o.O Nothing else..
"Oh, THAT girl ah? Don't know her meh? There, the one who always sits in front, with her nose stuck to a medical book....goes to the library every day wan...she demn smart, very scary wan leh...study non-stop only....."
To make matters worse, there are a number who only approaches me whenever they seek 'medical counsel':
"Eh, how did you manage to pass your EOS 3 ah? Very smart la you!! Got tips ah?"
Or
"Hey friend, what to study for XXX exam ah??? I got so many things to do la...demn stress already!!!!"
Or
" Hey....I dun understand this concept la....teach me. TEACH ME!!!!"
But you should be flattered wat...Of course I am flattered by such attention (Who isn't?) At least for a while. The fact that these people seek such 'counsel' shows that they believed I can help them make their 'academic lives' much easier. Fair enough.
But that was it. Purely academics. And once they got what they wanted, these monkeys (pardon the language) even have the nerve to ignore me completely when our paths meet.
HELLO!!!
So you didn't see me? Right. Oh come on, I was right in front of you! At most two metres away mah! And considering there are far slimmer counterparts in campus, surely you can't miss me...I don't think I'm that insignificant lor. Can't you at least say "Hi!", wave, nod your head or simply smile? Hello....I WAS WAVING AT YOU LA!!!! Still cannot see meh???
Okay, I have strayed. Back to the topic.
See how and where this is going to?
I guess it won't be long before people in campus thinks "Oh, she's just one of those hardworking and smart ones." *shrugs shoulders*. Period.
Do you have any idea how FRUSTRATING it is when people "type-cast" another, simply from appearances alone? Heck, they are just scratching the surface. There is more to me than work....I hate being stereotyped. It suffocates me so much so that I'm no longer.....me.
I want others to acknowledge me as a friend, confidante....FLESH & BLOOD FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Not some dusty, medical book one shoves to a corner when one is done with it. I don't work that way.
So to hell with society's expectations and perceptions.
And to HELL with conforming to the norms!
I'm sick and tired of being who I am today.
I sense Change is at hand....
PS: I'll be fine.
